i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
