Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
