Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
