Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
