I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
