Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
