Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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