loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize