captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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