Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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