Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
