she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
