I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
