She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
