I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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