Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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