im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize