Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
