If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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