my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
