My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
