I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
