Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize