I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
