She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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