Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
