a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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