There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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