if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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