I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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