It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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