Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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