onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
