Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize