Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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