I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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