Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize