How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
