I could make wine with my vomit
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The air taste purple.
Randomize