they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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