Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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