Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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