Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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