I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
