everyone is single if you try hard enough
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
