god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
