I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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