Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
