Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
