Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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