party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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