You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
