the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
