Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
