I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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