am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
