are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
