I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
