ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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