I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
