I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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