you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
