How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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