booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I look better un-naked...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
