Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
