The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
