Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
