i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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