LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
